With Or Without You

It's been about 9 months since grandpa left us. The old, cheerful yet fragile grandpa that always tried to put up a smile on his face whenever he sees us; his grandchildren, sons & daughter. It's been hard on him, he's very healthy all the while but the asthma attacks were taking his life away slowly, fine, tiny little fragments at a time. The last time I saw him, he was lying there on the bed, breathing through an oxygen mask barely able to talk and move as he was simply too weak.

Chinese New Year in 2007. I still remember every single word my grandpa said when he handed me the angpao for that year;

"Ah Min Xen ah.. Lai ah gong give you angpao for this year.."

"Ehh? But I thought ah ma already gave me? She gave me your part also leh. She said scared you forget wor."

"Oh? Ya ah..? Aiya nevermind la.. Take only la.. One more angpao, one more blessing ma.."

"Aiyo don't want la ah gong, you keep for the others la.."

"Just take la.. Ah gong so old liao, this year take one extra, don't know next year can still give you or not.."

"...."

I didn't know what to say after that. He placed the red packet in my hand, and smiled. True enough, he didn't even get the chance to see me one last time before leaving as I was in Singapore. I feel so ashamed whenever I think about it, it's the kind of humiliation that will scar you for life. As the eldest grandson in the Chew family, I was unable to be by his side when he was fighting for his life. I attended the funeral only on the 2nd night, before the burial on the following day. Troubled and confused of what's happening within and around me, I cried. I wasn't sure whether I was crying because of my grandpa's absence, or because of the break-up. It hurts, and it hurts a lot.

I stared at the coffin as the undertakers lowers my granpa into the grave cut. I watched the backfilling process, and there goes my 86-year-old friend, guardian and loving grandpa, back reuniting with God. Hopefully he found a place in heaven as he really deserves it. May God forgive all his sins. Rest in peace, ah gong.

I'm emotional today. Very emotional. I miss my grandpa, I miss her, I miss my grandma. In fact, I miss everything I've lost between 2007 & 2008. I felt a need to express myself, and so I chose to blog about it since most probably there wouldn't be anyone that'll listen to me and my stories. Posting them here, allowing volunteers to read it themselves and comment on them. I figured out that blogging might as well be the only medium to connect me and the real world, although everything here is just data, data and more data. At least I know that someone is reading this right now, and I gratefully thank you for spending your precious time listening to my woes.

Went Pavilion for The Love Guru today, hoping that some comedies will help lift the burden off me, at least by a pinch. It didn't actually worked, the emo-ness is still in me, but at least I had some time to myself & the laughters cleared everything in my mind for a short while. I'm THAT desperate to get myself out of this self-harming position.


My mood might not be as stable as usual, but my judgements are unaffected. So fret not, here's a review from me. As good as it can get. Nice comedy show, good for individuals seeking for a good laugh. The jokes are absurd, dirty jokes by the guru such as : "If you will help Uncle Jack off an elephant, will you help uncle JACK OFF an elephant?" & "Bible, B-Basic I-Instructions B-Before L-Leaving E-Earth.". Jokes that you will never think of. Jessica Alba, hot as usual. Justin Timberlake looked kinda weird in that moustache. Heh. You'll find the show excessively hillarious, if you're fast at catching obscene witticism. High rating for this movie, 4.6 out of 5. One of the best comedies I've ever watched.

Depressed, I am. I need to get out of this mischief, this slough of Despond, which may be hard to achieve. But I believe nothing is impossible. Whatever it takes to return me to my cheerful self, I'll try. But before I go & leave ya'll with the song of the day, I have a couple of questions, feedbacks welcomed, MSN or comments.

Is it really that hard to feel what others feel about you?

Can you pretend as if you don't care when someone actually voiced their concerns about you?

Are you able to keep an eye shut after all the showerings of love by someone who is willing to give up his or her life for you?

With Or Without You, by U2.

-MXV-