Ready For Love

Please.. I need you to get me through this.. I'm depressed.. I really am..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am ready for love,
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your capitivity

I am ready for love,
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace

Lately I've been thinking maybe you're not
Ready for me,
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for 'cuz you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow, I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love,
Would you please lend me your ear
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect the spirit world and thinks with his heart

I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can

I am ready for love
Here with an offering of my voice
My eyes, my soul, my mind
Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love

I am ready

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ready For Love - India Arie.

-MXV-

Defeated

5 Main Factors Of My Constant Depression;
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. I'm BROKE.

2. I can't find a way to SOLVE my never-ending string of love complications.

3. I'm MISSING her.

4. Exams are around the corner, and I'M NOT PREPARED.

5. I broke the record of my own 'over-weightness'; I weigh about 200 POUNDS now, and that's A LOT.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's kinda rare to see me updating my blog with 3 different posts in a single day, but yeah.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Selling stories that were overrated in this world so complicated
Felt so right, you tried to make it wrong
Why can't we all just get along
From the start something wasn't right
I used to cry myself to sleep at night
Told myself stand up be strong
This kind of phase doesn't last for long

Every time you try to knock me down, gonna pick my back up off the ground
The battle never ends

You can tear me apart
You can rip me to pieces
Try breaking me down
But I'll never be beated
You can say that you won but I'll never believe it
Cos I can't be defeated

Made a mistake swore I'll never repeat it
Lost my heart for a second but it never stopped beating
I smile through the tears so the way that I see it
I can't be defeated

There are times that I couldn't take it
Never felt so violated
At the risk of sounding so cliché
I just gotta call a spade a spade
Hurts me right to the core
I can't take this anymore
Getting tired of the same old song
Final chorus, now I'm moving on

Things aint fair in love in war
Never been the kind to be ignored
Tried to push me to the edge

You can tear me apart
You can rip me to pieces
Try breaking me down
But I'll never be beated
You can say that you won but I'll never believe it
Cos I can't be defeated

Made a mistake swore I'll never repeat it
Lost my heart for a second but it never stopped beating
I smile through the tears so the way that I see it
I can't be defeated

Yeah
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is unreachable
If you only believe then you get what you need
So keep on holdin on

You can tear me apart
You can rip me to pieces
Try breaking me down
But I'll never be beated
You can say that you won but I'll never believe it
Cos I can't be defeated

Made a mistake swore I'll never repeat it
Lost my heart for a second but it never stopped beating
I smile through the tears so the way that I see it
I can't be defeated

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Defeated - Anastacia.

-MXV-

Starry Eyed Surprise

Hi everybody. The hour hand of the clock is now pointing at precisely 4, yes, 4 in the morning. So good morning, it's a wake up call from the zombie-blogger. Me? Sleep? I need no sleep. Live young, die hard. Nah, just kidding. Another emotional night for me to get through, it's kinda hard without support from people that can actually understand my situation, and that's if I can even tell anyone about my situation in the first place.

So, what I did? Well... Of course, I was given the 'honor' to keep the spare keys to my dad's Innova. Oh, and by the way. My dad's Innova is like 5 months old, and it has already done 37,743 KMs, some 6000 KMs more than my car which is more than double it's age. Talking about hardcore, heavy-duty driver, my dad will be the best example. LoL.

Yeah, where did we stopped? Oh, and I was talking about the spare keys to his car.. Yeap. I was emotional, so I took the keys and sneaked out in his Innova. The engine was insanely LOUD when I first turned the key into IGNITION position, and I don't know how was it possible that all the noise didn't wake my parents up at all.

Okay, so what was the verdict? 5 months into my dad's 'new' car, and I've finally got the chance to push the car to it's limits. Oh, wait. First of all, I gotta explain the mad things that I did. So.. 150 KM/H on MRR2 (you can't actually go that fast on that Innova, because there're simply not enough power to push that 2 tons of metal), tail-gating those puny little cars on the road. Ahh, yes, it's amazing how the sheer size of the Innova can do its' magic by scaring Kancils off the road. LoL. Then, there's something that I love to do with my Myvi; tire-roll. Yeah, the smell of burning rubber.. The squeals the tires made.. And of course, the after-effect; the damage to the tires. I did it once in front of Old Town Coffee House at Prima Setapak yesterday morning, and damn that was the longest, sweetest pitch of tire squeals I've ever made & heard.

So I sped in that Innova, went sideways from corner to corner & did burnouts. Satisfaction. Truly. It's amazing what I can do with a MPV, an 8-seater with a 2-litre engine. Imagine what would happen if I've got a more powerful car with better handling than my Myvi? Illegal racing? LoL.

And I almost forgot. It was my car's birthday yesterday!! Renewed the roadtax, valid till 28th April 2010. Yeap, my 1-year-old car clocked 31k KMs. Err.. A bit too much? Maybe.

P.S: A SMS at 4:44 A.M. on April 29, 2009 killed me. No, I'm just not living my life the same way anymore. Or perhaps, you guys may just assume that I'm dead. Heh, speaking about the 'lucky' number 4 for the Chinese..

Starry Eyed Surprise, remixed & well-done by Paul Oakenfold. Had totally no idea who did the vocals, but it was fine. Just recalled that I hadn't posted any techno/trance tracks for quite some time, so here it is. Enjoy, while I get back to my misery.

-MXV-

How Long

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
How long till this goes away
I try to remember to forget you
But I break down every time I do
It's left me less than zero
Beat down and bruised
I can't see him with you
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away

I can't seem to get my heart over you
Cause you creep into everything I do
And now I'm dying to know
How he touches you
I can't see him with you
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away
How long till this goes away
She said she wants to be friends
I took a big step back
She said
She said
She said she's sorry
With one finger
I said fuck that

I can tell you're lying when your lips move
Cause of one lie it's not me it's you
It's left me less than zero
Beat down and bruised
I can't see him with you
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away
How long till this goes away

She said she wants to be friends
I took a big step back
She said
She said
She said she's sorry
With one finger
With one finger
I said fuck that

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hinder - How Long.

-MXV-

Better Than Me

Okay.. Time for some confessions..

I think I've kept my readers waiting long enough to find out the reason why I wasn't really happy all this while. It's the darkest secret of my life that I'll finally be letting out.

For the past few months, I actually had some ups & downs in my love life. Some things that happened. Yes, I did fell in love with a girl.. Yes, we did ended up together, although it's not for long, only about 3 months.. I'll be explaining what happened, generally. I won't get too much into the details to protect the identity of the girl.

Now.. As you guys might remember, I did went missing in action for a month or two, discontinuously during January, February, March & I made my return in April or mid-April. It was caused by some love life turbulences that I was experiencing all along. So.. Yeah, I fell in love with this girl around December last year, and I confessed to her in January, early January, and things got pretty well & we ended up together in February.. Early February, actually, and it's now just a few days short of our third month anniversary..

But then.. I screwed up. I really couldn't believe that I screwed up. Not once, not twice, but many many times. I did. I screwed the fuck up. I did something wrong, something that I shouldn't be doing, and I literally lied to her about it. I don't know where did I get the courage from, to lie to her about it. I couldn't hold it back anymore & I told her the truth. And we broke up. Yet, I somehow managed to regain her trust & she came back to me.

And guess what?

I screwed up again.

I lied to her too many times, too many times that things can't actually be fixed anymore. I made her feel that my love, my feelings for her are fake. I realised the true reason why did I lied to her. I just don't wanna be vulnerable anymore. I don't wanna be emotionally-abused again to the point where I got so frantically paranoid, and I started to lie, to hide things. I was living a lie all the while, living & hiding behind a mask. I don't know what should I do.. I lied, I made lies to save the relationship.. I made lies because I really love her & don't wanna lose her.. But I guess what's happening now is the fact that my lies brought everything down. Lies.. Lies that are made supposedly to protect feelings backfired me. I knew I shouldn't have lied, cos' you'll need 10 lies to cover up 1 lie, and a hundred to cover up 10, and eventually a thousand..

( and as the song plays itself in the background, tears rolled down my cheeks... Better Than Me, by Hinder.. )

I.. A short break.. Here's the lyrics for the song today..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there's one memory I don't want to lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend that I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the end
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
(And I think you should know this)
(You deserve much better than me)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I broke down, emotionally, many many times when I thought about it.. I can't.. I couldn't face it. I can't believe that I lied to the person who I loved so much, so dearly.. I've been crying a lot lately, and I have nobody to listen to me about this. For the past few months, she was my hope.. My hope to keep me going on, my hope that woke me up from my previous break up..

I miss it.. I miss everything..

I miss her smiles..
I miss her kisses..
I miss her hugs..

And I single-handedly spoiled & ruined everything.. Maybe, maybe I'm not exactly the boyfriend-material that a girl would wanna find. I regretted my lies to her..

I wasted everything.. All my efforts to get nearer & nearer to her.. I feel empty now.. I felt as if.. As if I don't have anything else anymore.. Well it's the truth anyway, she's my everything. And now I've lost her. We can't even be friends anymore. I've lost her. I've lost everything. I lost my will to live..

I've lost it.

-MXV-

Defiance

Some things to share with my fellow bloggers & blog readers.. Some things that happened before I came back to this blog, and some things that happened DURING my return to the blog. Err.. Confusing? I don't blame ya'll for not understanding what I'm saying, cos' I don't understand myself either. LoL. Alrite.. First up.. David Archuletta's arrival to Malaysia on the 8th of April!! Yeap.. Drove all the way to the airport just to see him. Not my idea actually, Shenka was the mastermind behind all this. Well, together with Nicole, yes..

I don't wanna crap that much this time, just pictures & more pictures!! Pictures courtesy of Kresehenka Jaisi.. Thanks for the pics.

Nicole & Kreshenka Jaisi. The two madgirls.

See my definition of mad? The walkman was so far up above Shenka's head because there's hardly any reception at all at the airport, & she's dying trying to win the ticket to Archie's concert.. Alright, enough introduction of the two.

He's on Flight SQ118 from Singapore!!

Erm..

Live young, die-hard fans of David Archuletta, they call themselves the.. Umm.. Archangels?? Err..

That's the cutie that all the girls are waiting for at the arrival bay. Darn.. Why am I not born David Archuletta? LoL.

The police officers trying to prevent the fans from getting too close to him.....

Yet she managed to snap one IN HIS FACE!!! LoL.

He's literally stuck inside, & the manager & assistants were discussing with the officers for alternatives to leave the arrival bay without being trampled by hundreds of fans. Yes, everytime he walk past the entrance, those fans, GIRLS, especially, will storm towards him, just like a herd of mad cows hungry for sex. Err.. Okay, that's a bit exaggerating.. But whatever. Hahahaha.

He actually gets more protection than our Prime Minister, I believe. Seriously, those armed officers.. They're heavily armed, with submachine guns!! Madness..

Receiving the orders to move to another exit, I suppose?

A goodbye wave? Hmm..

Ferrero Collection, just some chocs that I bought for them girls.. Eheheh..

After Eight Thin Chocolate Mints.. The best mint chocolate that I've ever had in my life.. Seriously, if you're just as crazy about mint chocs as I do, then try this.

That's about it on David Archuletta. Hmm..

Now, moving on to the next piece of story that I have to share with ya'll. Also serves as a warning to all the robber/thief wannabes out there.

WARNING : Contains graphical contents that might be disturbing to some viewers. Viewers' discretion is advised. Skip the pictures and read only the story if you are hemophobic, or blood phobia.

You see, there're just too many cases of robberies & thefts in K.L. nowadays, and the number of victims that ended up injured, seriously injured or dead, skyrocketted in the past few years. BUT, there're some pictures here.. Some pictures that I wanna share, to warn all the robbers & thieves out there that not all of you guys may escape what you did. Some of you would even end up worse than the victims, so.. Learn the lesson here, God gave you guys limbs and a healthy state of mind, so appreciate what He gave you, and learn to work with it, not to lie, cheat or steal.

Skipping all the crap, straight to the story. Now, last Thursday, there's an incident at Wangsa Maju Section 4 where two robbers were badly beaten up by the residents in the area, as they were allegedly accused of trying to rob the houses there. There were actually three of them, but one got away in a car with a boot full of parangs. One of them were beaten near the 'rubbish house' (you know, the kind of buildings that are usually available in flat, apartment or condominium compounds to store thrashes), while the other was chasen down to near a block where he was badly beaten. Some follow-up reports later on after the incident informed the residents that one of the robbers died in the ICU, while the other is still holding on to his dear life. It was bloody, really. Below are pictures of the scenes & blood stains.

Blood splatters.. Very little here, on the ground floor of a flat.

The blood splatters on the wall of the 'rubbish house'.

On the ledge near the drain.

More blood splatters on the road.

Blood, in a pool of rainwater.

More blood, in a larger & deeper puddle of water.

And.... The Holy Grail for the pics tonight!! Now, honestly. I don't know those black marks are dried pieces of brain or dried, dark concentrated blood. But the latter seems more possible. LoL.

So.. Guys, earn money the LEGAL way. Don't get into all these scam, robberies, theft & shits like that to spoil your own life. I'm sure you've got family members, right? What if something like what happened to them, happen to you? What will your family members feel?

I hadn't really updated you guys on the upgrades done to my car, right? Well.. Nothing much, really. Except a set of HID 8000k H4 fog lights? LoL. Decided to replace the entire set with a HID kit after the original bulbs went burst. Yeah, I know it's illegal to retrofit HID kits.. But as long as I did not misuse it, right? Err.. I switched them on only when I'm going into very, very dark areas, such as the road leading to my house, and it kinda illuminates everything around the car. Hmmm...

Yes, it's blue.

What else? A movie preview, perhaps? Defiance, with Daniel Craig as the lead actor.. Ahh, a nice movie. It's based on a true story of what happened to the Jews during the German invasion. Some may find war movies like this boring, but I find it rather meaningful and touching. It's history, anyway, and we should learn from our histories to prevent repeating the same mistake that we did in the past. 4 out of 5 stars, it's a pretty decent movie.

Watch this one here, warheads. You'll never regret it.

Oh, and the soundtracks are pretty good, too. Here's a short track, a piano piece actually, right at the end of the movie when the credits started rolling in. I admire whoever's piece of work this is. Too bad I can't find out the exact title of the track. Naming it myself, perhaps? It's kinda short, and the volume is VERY low as I extracted it directly from the movie. You might have to crank up the volume on your speakers a little to listen to it.

Defiance, from Defiance OST.

Good day, folks.

-MXV-

Broken

Shit happened. Not gonna talk about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

�Cause I�m broken when I�m open
And I don�t feel like I am strong enough
�Cause I�m broken when I�m lonesome
And I don�t feel right when you�'re gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There�s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

�Cause I�m broken when I�m open
And I don�t feel like I am strong enough
�Cause I�m broken when I�m lonesome
And I don�t feel right when you�'re gone away

�Cause I�m broken when I�m open
And I don�t feel like I am strong enough
�Cause I�m broken when I�m lonesome
And I don�t feel right when you�'re gone away

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's an attached file for you, as promised. Encrypted with a password known only to the both of us, it'll be easy for you. It's something about us that you've been carrying with you, wearing all along. Something that we both have. Something that I've lost once, but recovered it shortly after.

For You.rar

-MXV-

Closure

No, no.. The title doesn't mean any blog closure or anything. Just a song that suits my mood right now, so well that I might just keep it running for quite some time.

So.. Yeah, I'm back again. It's been almost 2 months since I last blogged, and many things happened in this 'short' period of time. Some life-threatening, some heart-breaking. I shall share some with my folks, I'll keep the crispy & juicy part for later on when I feel that it's time for me to finally confess it.

Okay.. The life-threatening things that happened? Well.. Not really life-threatening, it's more like I put my own life in danger instead. On one of the nights I drove to Genting, I forgot which night was it but it was a really cool & clear night.. Nobody would expect a heavy downpour later on at the foothill. At least not me. So after spending some time there, I decided that it was about time that I should leave. Somehow on that night I was driving really slow. And I mean SLOW. Some people consider 90 KM/H in the rain as 'kinda fast', but it was the slowest I ever drove on the highway. As I've recalled, there's not a single time the needle was static at 90 KM/H for more than 5 minutes in my history of highway-cruising. It's always 120 minimum to 160 average. Maximum? 183 KM/H, so far the highest possible speed my stock engine could bring me to.

Alright, cut the story with my high-speed achievements. Nowadays I've been a very safe driver, at least I can tell you guys that my speeding days are over. As I was saying, I drove at 90 KM/H in the rain on Kesas Highway, and I was driving at the left most lane, which was actually the 'turtle-lane' for me when I was a speed devil. Upon reaching a corner, a slight turn to the left actually, I braked a little to reduce speed. As I was steering my car trying to keep it in the lane, I felt the rear-end of the car swerving to the right. By the time I realise it, my car had already made a 180 degree spin, going against the traffic flow. I was literally facing the traffic for a second or so, and it's kinda scary.. Just imagine yourself being in the middle of the highway, facing cars coming your way at probably over 100 KM/H. It was a short moment that I saw a Kancil coming towards me REALLY fast, and I lost sight of it after regaining control of my car. Well... Not really. All I heard was a crash from the right-rear of my car, and I thought I was hit by the Kancil. I managed to glance at the rearview mirror for fractions of a second, and I saw the Kancil losing control, slamming into the road divider at the right side of the road. I continued driving all the way back to Taman Melati, stopped at the roadside & got down to check my car; not a single scratch. So yeah, I'm extremely lucky that night, God was on my side. Otherwise I'd be dead by now.

Checked my tires the next morning, all 4 of them are shredded & small pieces came off them. Replaced all of them with a set of new Michelin tires, costed me about RM 980. And instantaneously I was broke. It was extreme; for the following two weeks I could barely make ends meet, having enough money only to last me for the days that I have classes.

So, second incident. I almost got robbed one night when I was at Nicole's place. We were sitting in my car, talking while she's playing with her dog with the car door on her side wide open. Then I noticed two motorcycles going up and down the road in front of her house, and I just have this bad feeling that they're up to no good. My heart was telling my left hand to release the handbrake & let the parking gear hold the car so that it will not start rolling downhill. The third time the motorcycles came, I noticed how they slowed down & got unusually close to my car. There were 4 of them, one of them leapt off the bike, opened the door on my side while holding a knife. I did what I should, I dragged the gear lever down to D & slammed the pedal to the metal. The door knocked the guy over & closed by itself, I just shouted at Nicole to close the door. I sped off, told her to call her family to lock all the doors & ensure that everything is alright before going to the nearest police station to make a report.

P.S: I kept my cool & calmness in both incident. Remember, when shit happens, panicking is not going to help.

Yeah.. Many things happened.. There are more actually, but I just don't feel like typing them all out. Something nice to share, perhaps? I went for the Shinjuku Incident thingy at Pavilion on 31st April where Jackie Chan & Daniel Wu made their appearances there. Although it was just for a short while, I was glad that I finally had the chance to see them live. Yeah, I'm a big fan of Jackie Chan, he's my childhood hero & favourite actor all the time. Daniel Wu? Of course, a talented young actor that truly caught my attention..

The stage.

The host & hostess, not to mention that the hostess actually looked like my kar jie Grace.. o.O

Jackie Chan & the heartthrob, Daniel Wu.

Photography session.

Jackie waving to the fans.



Few words from Jackie Chan on the new movie, 'Shinjuku Incident'.



Safety message from him? LoL.

Do watch the movie.. It's good, at least for me.. A lil' bit of violence here & there, but still.. 4.5 out of 5 stars..

Well.. I suppose I shall end this post here. Many thanks to those who are still loyal, checking my blog every single day for the last 2 months, hopelessly hoping that I'll update it.. I did now, and guys, I'm still alive & kickin'.. Here's the lyrics for the song today..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let's just be honest
I'm broken in two
Half of me is still here
The other half's with you

I didn't want this
Thought I did, it's true
Wish I could rewind now
I swear I thought this through

And I'm so fragile now
Be careful what you do, girl
And every word somehow
Is making me hold on to you

I don't like this time thing

What I need is closure

Remember my red tie
White business card
Brown hair and pink skies
First glance was a start

You and your colours
Tell me what they mean
To me they meant beginnings
Better yet everything

And I'm so fragile now
Be careful what you do, girl
And every word somehow
Is making me hold on to you

I don't like this time thing

What I need is closure

And I'm so fragile now
Be careful what you do, girl
And every word somehow
Is making me hold on to you

I don't like this time thing

What I need is closure

Remember my red tie.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Closure, by Nathan Morris. Not that well known, but I love this song.. Welcome back to MX-Lair, my friends..

-MXV-