Ku Ai

Lying on my bed, trying to get some sleep. Then I thought of the moments I had back in secondary school. How I used to have my meals beside the badminton court during recess. How I used to skip History classes (and got caught twice). Well of course, nothing beats the experience of wooing girls back then. Heh.. Girls? Girl, I suppose.. I think most of my friends know the story. About how I waited for a girl for 5 continuous years. How I've tried everything I could just to get an inch closer to her. But ya' see, when you actually like someone, there's this hesitancy to talk to that person. Ya' know, afraid of ruining everything by saying all the wrong things..

Well then, there's this girl. This girl who I still remember to date, yet have neither contacted nor spoke to for months. Not that I don't wanna talk to her anymore, but I just don't feel like telling her my new number after I've lost my phone. I'm feeling the distance between us; the gap is getting wider. She doesn't have time for me, that I believe. Everytime when I see her in college, I tried to talk to her, but she's always avoiding me, rarely allowing me to finish a single sentence.

Back in high school, there're plenty of short poems that I've wrote, every single of them unique and displays my true, real emotions. I wrote some for her, and I don't know what did she actually thought about them. No idea, not to this very day. I did many things, all the small little things to get her attention, yet I'm rejected over & over again.

And I was hoping that a special day will come. A day where only the both of us will sit down, have a proper conversation without anyone spoiling it. There was this trip that I've organized around April last year, which is really memorable and undoubtedly one of the most enjoyable, confirmed by my fellow friends. 7 persons, 5 boys 2 girls and we're set to dominate Cameron Highlands. Many things happened, even though it was just a 3D2N trip. Those who went for the trip have seen ups and downs in me, friendship bonds on the verge of breaking, and happy moments we've all had. I was so emo at that time that I've brought 12 500ML-cans of Heineken up there & finished 9, 2 of them by Yip. I promised myself that I will not reveal so much about everything that happened during the trip, yet I can't resist but to blog about it now.

Shaun & Yip were having a feud back then over Sita, a girl that both of them admired at the same time. Yip was actually with Sita at the time of the trip, but was jealous and angry seeing how close Sita was with Shaun. Understandable, and I will most probably feel the same way as Yip did if the same thing ever happen to me, which I hope not. Karuna & JunYew, as always, the I-don't-care-what-you-guys-are-having,-I-just-wanna-have-fun type are problem free during the whole trip. Then there's this 2 girls in the trip, Sita & Elaine, that spiced up everything else for us.

On the first day on our arrival at Brinchang, things were a lil' cool for us, & I'm as usual spending most of my time alone. Got out of the hotel room at around midnight and had beer outside in the cold, at the bus stop. Things are already heating up for Yip & Shaun. Yip joined me after that, and then Shaun came looking for us. Ahh, I was the middle-man in their case. Listening to how they talk behind each others' back, I thought it'll be impossible to save this friendship that they have had for years. I just sat there, listening to Yip at times & Shaun alternately while feeding on my own emo-ness.

Second day consisted of nothing but pure fun & enjoyment. Although I was feeling a little groggy in the morning because of all the Heinekens that I've had on the night before (and still feeling a lil' emo), I followed the others, visiting and sight-seeing around Cameron. It was great and we took many pictures. Things got a little better for me & Elaine, & so I bought her a bouquet of roses and handed it to her in front of all of our friends. I wouldn't do that if we didn't had the whole tour bus to ourselves. It was embarassing, but after that I felt as if I'm stress-free, and when she said "Thanks, you're so sweet..", it melted my heart right away and I felt as if I've scaled Mt. Everest. Lame, yes. Yip bought some flowers for Sita too, and that helped mend their relationship a little. We switched to Rosa Passadena Hotel in the evening as the rooms there are cleaner and much more comfortable, and then out to the night market to buy food back to the hotel. We had our dinner on the carpet with newspaper laid all over the boys' room, and it somehow tastes better than the steamboat we had on the night before. We played games, and all of us did some silly stuffs. We had Karuna accidentally farting while laughing, Sita shouting "Ahaha I so gedik!!" at the window, me doing catwalk on the bed.. There were simply too much fun.

Then the moment of truth came. I told her that we needed to talk, & after all the games that we've had I went into the girls' room and locked the door; it's all about us now. Sita went somewhere with Karuna, but I'm not sure where. We talked, and I was so happy that finally we're having some privacy & time to ourselves. We talked about almost everything; from school to family; to her sister, to my parents.. Spent almost 2 hours in the room, and finally she asked; "Do you still like me?". I was petrified when she asked me that; my whole body went numb. I took a deep breath. Then I answered, "As honest as I can be, yeah..". To tell the truth, that was actually my first time confessing to a girl, face to face. It wasn't easy, but somehow I managed to gather enough courage to do that. That's the point where everything crumbled & fell. She told me that it's too early for her to start a relationship, & she doesn't want to think about it yet. I knew it the moment I looked in her eyes; it's simply an excuse. An excuse I've heard over the past few years. The same excuse that caused all the pain & sorrow in me. I sensed it in her; she doesn't like me one bit. Silence enshrouded the room for a while, & then Sita came in & broke the silence. "Oh sorry, am I disturbing you guys?". I looked at Elaine, & then said, "No, it's alright. I suppose we're done.". She just sat there on the bed, unsure of what to say.

Then I recalled having a silver necklace with a pendant in my bag. A small gift which was the last and also the priciest I've ever gave. The numbers are nothing compared to one short moment of joy and happiness for her. So I unlocked the door connecting the boys' room to the girls', and took the pendant from the zipped pocket on my bag. I brought it in, and Sita hastily removed the necklace from the box & stared at it with amuse. She insisted that I help Elaine to put on the necklace. I did, with no obligations. She stared down on the bed, with an expression of a thousand thoughts on her face and I put it on her. My heart bled, words that she've said still echoing in my head. I wanted to cry, but I held on to it & tried not to show what I really feel.

After that night, we talked less & less. The next day, we boarded a bus & headed back to K.L.. I sat beside her, but we never really talked. This is what I was afraid of. All this while I'm trying to make everything right, but everything went wrong eventually. College started for us after that, & we're not really able to communicate that well anymore.

I was badly hurt till' the day I met Janice. Everything went well for us, I loved her & I thought she was my everything. I thought I would finally be able to move on with life. Well, it turns out that I was wrong. For some reason I was dumped, and here I am stranded on an isolated island, dying of loneliness. I still love her, but what's the point? She's not feeling the same for me. I will embark on another journey. A journey that I've been through before; to search for the one. It's not easy, I'm still blinded by what had happened, and I'm still stuck although it's been almost a year.

It was a habit for me to write poems whenever I feel down, and here's another piece from me, inspired by the flashback on my life that I've had.

Words Left Unspoken

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Hearts,
Hearts are often broken by words left unspoken.
As clear as crystal it might be,
As sharp as broken glass it may cut.
As beautiful as paradise love may be,
As hurtful as love once truth blurt.

Tell me why,
Never be shy,
Coz' hearts are often broken by words left unspoken.

Procastination,
Makes up an excuse.
Hesitation,
Is simply to refuse.

Ventured out of a darkness,
Trapped in another sadness.
Days, weeks, months, years,
Will be gone all these tears.

As I drove in the dusk,
The lights broke the darkness of the night.
That's the least I could ask,
Yet my truthfulness is your fright.

Lie, I may not.
Cry, I will not.
Forget, I cannot.
Regret, you shall not.
Coz' hearts are often broken by words left unspoken...

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That shall end the post for today. I uploaded Wen De Tai Bi Zhen by Hins Cheung last night, & I did mentioned about the Cantonese version of this song. The Cantonese version carries a different title, though. Here's Ku Ai, by Hins Cheung.

-MXV-