It's Been A While

At least one of my major problems is solved for now. She decided to leave me for good. Ahh yes, I'm dumped again. I'm relieved that this whole thing is finally solved, but I'm still feeling all mixed up & fucked up about it, mainly because things didn't really go as I hope after all the effort, time & unconditional love put into this whole relationship. I'm feeling happy for her, at least she got through her own dilemma; but I'm feeling sad, angry, depressed, tensed-up, all at the same time. The memories are gonna kill me & make each & every single day of my life miserable, for I don't know how long. I'm just not that kind of perfect boyfriend material that girls would be looking for. I SUCK at being a boyfriend.

I'm just so tired of everything already. I'm tired. Life just felt so damn miserable for me. I don't know what I'll do without her, but I hope & wish that life won't be too harsh for me after this. So what that I love her? I just suck. I'm worthless.

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And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own 2 feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I could say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I could say I loved myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up, just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone & fucked thing up again, again....

Why must I feel this way...
Just make this go away...
Just one more peaceful day

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem, to be
I know its me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry

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If you're reading this.. I'd like to apologise for everything, and I mean, everything. I'm sorry. And I love you. I do. I really do.

God knows what I'll be doing next. I'm just so disappointed with myself. Everything doesn't feel right. I ruined everything that I've gained & treasured, all with my own bare hands. I've not felt this emotional, this fucked-up in a very, very long time. If suicide is the remedy, Menara Alpha would be the medicine. There just won't be enough apologizes; in fact there's nothing that I can do to make you forgive me.

Feeling so devastated right now. I'm just hoping that time & reassurance is what I need to get me through this..

Behind all the fake smiles, a million worries lies, a thousand questions troubles me. Will I ever be the same again?

It's Been A While - Staind.

-MXV-