Better Than Me

Okay.. Time for some confessions..

I think I've kept my readers waiting long enough to find out the reason why I wasn't really happy all this while. It's the darkest secret of my life that I'll finally be letting out.

For the past few months, I actually had some ups & downs in my love life. Some things that happened. Yes, I did fell in love with a girl.. Yes, we did ended up together, although it's not for long, only about 3 months.. I'll be explaining what happened, generally. I won't get too much into the details to protect the identity of the girl.

Now.. As you guys might remember, I did went missing in action for a month or two, discontinuously during January, February, March & I made my return in April or mid-April. It was caused by some love life turbulences that I was experiencing all along. So.. Yeah, I fell in love with this girl around December last year, and I confessed to her in January, early January, and things got pretty well & we ended up together in February.. Early February, actually, and it's now just a few days short of our third month anniversary..

But then.. I screwed up. I really couldn't believe that I screwed up. Not once, not twice, but many many times. I did. I screwed the fuck up. I did something wrong, something that I shouldn't be doing, and I literally lied to her about it. I don't know where did I get the courage from, to lie to her about it. I couldn't hold it back anymore & I told her the truth. And we broke up. Yet, I somehow managed to regain her trust & she came back to me.

And guess what?

I screwed up again.

I lied to her too many times, too many times that things can't actually be fixed anymore. I made her feel that my love, my feelings for her are fake. I realised the true reason why did I lied to her. I just don't wanna be vulnerable anymore. I don't wanna be emotionally-abused again to the point where I got so frantically paranoid, and I started to lie, to hide things. I was living a lie all the while, living & hiding behind a mask. I don't know what should I do.. I lied, I made lies to save the relationship.. I made lies because I really love her & don't wanna lose her.. But I guess what's happening now is the fact that my lies brought everything down. Lies.. Lies that are made supposedly to protect feelings backfired me. I knew I shouldn't have lied, cos' you'll need 10 lies to cover up 1 lie, and a hundred to cover up 10, and eventually a thousand..

( and as the song plays itself in the background, tears rolled down my cheeks... Better Than Me, by Hinder.. )

I.. A short break.. Here's the lyrics for the song today..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there's one memory I don't want to lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend that I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the end
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
(And I think you should know this)
(You deserve much better than me)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I broke down, emotionally, many many times when I thought about it.. I can't.. I couldn't face it. I can't believe that I lied to the person who I loved so much, so dearly.. I've been crying a lot lately, and I have nobody to listen to me about this. For the past few months, she was my hope.. My hope to keep me going on, my hope that woke me up from my previous break up..

I miss it.. I miss everything..

I miss her smiles..
I miss her kisses..
I miss her hugs..

And I single-handedly spoiled & ruined everything.. Maybe, maybe I'm not exactly the boyfriend-material that a girl would wanna find. I regretted my lies to her..

I wasted everything.. All my efforts to get nearer & nearer to her.. I feel empty now.. I felt as if.. As if I don't have anything else anymore.. Well it's the truth anyway, she's my everything. And now I've lost her. We can't even be friends anymore. I've lost her. I've lost everything. I lost my will to live..

I've lost it.

-MXV-